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I talked to men who associated their attraction to mutual masturbation with some of their earliest memories of queer desire men who started seeking j/o buds in an effort to hook up with “straight” guys men who simply consider it a safer, simpler alternative to other kinds of sex. I found these men among my friends, on social media, as well as in pockets of the internet I hadn’t yet reached into: notably Kik, a text-messaging app, and BateWorld, a global social network for masturbators that functions as a kind of Grindr–Facebook hybrid, with all the HTML sparkle of classic MySpace. In an effort to better understand the appeal of mutual masturbation and the community that seeks it, I went looking for other men for whom jerking off together is not merely sex-adjacent, but an important part of a balanced sex life. We’ve gotten closer over time, which is somehow both a result of the sex and nothing to do with it. Sometimes we get a little stoned, sometimes we watch porn afterward we usually catch up about friends or jobs or other plans. It’s friendly in a way most casual sex is not, or rarely is - a flavor of intimacy both platonic and horny. Now we get together every few months - less regularly than a book club but more often than you see your best friend from college who lives in Washington Heights - hang out, and masturbate. I’ve had a regular IRL j/o buddy for about a year and a half, a gay friend in an open relationship whom I’d known for a few years before either of us broached the subject of jerking off together. More than one friend has told me about engaging in mutual masturbation as a sort of compromise in a disappointing hookup situation, as in, “I went home with him but I was tired, so we just jerked off.” But for many men, myself included, mutual masturbation is not merely the “I’m not really hungry I’ll just have a salad” of sex rather, it’s an experience to be sought for its own sake. In some cases, this is a heterosexual fig leaf (“It’s not sex, we’re just being dudes”) in others, it’s treated as an hors d’oeuvre. All things considered, mutual masturbation is pretty tame - masturbation is something most people already do, albeit alone - but the popular notion of masturbation as somehow being failed sex, the purview of lonely internet trolls, leads many would-be avid mutual masturbators to keep their sexual cards close to their chests.Īmong men who have sex with men, mutual masturbation is often seen as sex-adjacent, rather than a sex act in its own right. But as with being seen on Grindr, or in the backyard of a gay bar in Brooklyn, the “exposure” would be mutual.Īs in every fetish community, the fear of being outed as a participant in something deemed weird or pervy keeps many people, including bators, in the closet about their interests.
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What if it’s empty? What if we see someone we know? Based on stories from friends, this is a not-uncommon occurrence at some other gay sex events in the city, and the fear amounts to one of being exposed somehow - not just physically, but, in the case of New York Jacks, as a “bator”: someone who seeks out mutual masturbation as a discrete sexual experience. We passed a few men coming the other way, looking flushed and conspiratorial, and opened a door into a short hallway with a ticket window, where a young, fully clothed man asked languorously, “Here for Jacks?”īefore arriving, we’d discussed our apprehensions. After fortifying ourselves with a beer around the corner and waiting until what felt like a New York–appropriate hour after the event’s official start time, we walked through the open door and down a twisting concrete staircase, listening for any indication of a meeting in progress. I first attended a New York Jacks meeting with a friend on a Tuesday a few weeks ago. They take over Paddles on Tuesdays, and on Sundays host a meeting on the third floor of a building on West 38th Street. The event is organized by New York Jacks, a group that hosts regular meetings for men to gather in relative public to do something nearly every man does in relative private. In a nondescript building on West 26th Street in New York City, you’ll find Paddles, “the friendly S&M club.” It’s an after-hours space that bills itself as “a playground for sane people who are into: whipping, spanking, bondage, domination, submission, foot fetishes, cross dressing, and all other fetishes,” where once a month, closer to happy hour than last call, the fetish du jour is mutual masturbation.